sigh.... done with my assignments which were like waaay due two weeks... no thanks to somebody in my class i had to hand in another week late cos i don't have the freaking results.... how to do the bloody exxperiment report without the freaking DATA!! kma.
i scored 49/80 for Dr. Ng's paper... wasn't a very brilliant mark.. i wasn't one of the worst.. there were toehrs worst off than me... and i was feeling perfectly normal upon receiving the paper.. i was just glad that ididn't fail it cos i know it was all last minute work... but then he managed to catch up with me after class and managed to make me switch completely from a "yayy we're going home" mood to a "hey shit... what am i doing with my life??" mood...
[usually i wouldn't give a damn about what he has to tell me cos most of the time this lecturer of mine just likes to pick on me... and i don't mean in a mean way... he jsut happens to like to put me and nick(my class rep) into situations where we don't really know how to react... like asking questions when we obviously don't know the answer.. i have a feeling he gains pleasure in looking at us squirm in our cold chairs looking for answers in other people's faces, and having the whole of 3 classes staring at you wiht the "come on, you can't be that stupid as to not to know this qn?" wadever. that's life in osrm class for me. and not to mention his embarassing "rene, are you ok" qn, which he has to ask so ernestly... it freaks me out.. esp when he's bellowing one moment and suddenly doing that kinda thing.. i tell you its really really freaky when he does that cos he asks s l o w l y as if i was some retarted slow student in class that needs dire attention...] okae that's about all i can say and will say about my lecturer...
so there you get the dea of how he is and when he manage to talk to me after class today and i felt like shite afterwards. it was clear that he was disappointed in my results and he had that stern look on his face... "i'm really disappointed with you rene. you obviously could have done better. you have this flare in class and perform so well whenever we're reviewing questions in class but you some how i seroiusly don't know how you managed it, you manage to get only 49 marks. you know you can do better and i know you can do better. " i tried to retort by saying "what flare?" but he just wasn';t really listen,"you know you have the ability to perform better. so don't let this slip away from you.. i'm telling you rene, next time you go out into the industry an A on your paper would really mean everything to you. it folllows you for life. so please, you know you can do better, i know, .................." and with him carrying on with speech, it struck me bad.. 2 times... there and then right in front of him..... so don't let this slip away from you.. ....... A on your paper would really mean everything to you. i don't know why but i almost actually felt like crying there and then. but i couldn't obviously. it was like a huge thug on the inside of me... i mean this is like a revelation to me... i mean, i know i've been slacking all this while.... and ya, there were times where i wonder what the hell am i doing... but at that very moment when that thug happen deep in me i was thinking "seriously, seriously, seriously, WHAT ARE YOU DOING RENE?" slip away... i still feel hurt inside somewhere. i'm not blaming my lecturer for giving me that lecture, but rather myself. WHAT AM I DOING? surely its a simple question? all this while, i'm sick of people telling me, "you can do it, you're just plain lazee, get up and do something about it. you're not stupid. you're really smart you know? give yourself a chance. there are others who don't pick up as fast as you do but they're working hard.. why can't you. renee you have talent..........." i've heard it all and i'm sick of hearing it again.
all this while, i have a sub concious belief that i'm up there but just not performng. and this belief din;t come from me alone, but from alot of other things e.g people around me. through my growing up stages. its always the case that i can do it but i just didnt... but is it really that? is it really the case that i can do it but just didn't because i chose to, myself..
i'm losing faith in studying. losing faith in people who keep telling me these things. losing faith in myself. already lost faith in god.
while i studied in a good high school i'm one of the worst there is there. i study in polytechnic and i'm also one of the worst. in case you havent read from past entries, my average grades a D for both sememsters in year 1. and now in yr 2 i'm kinda lost. maybe i'm not up there. i'm not suppose to be up there.. just that i believed that i was. and i blame every failure on myself not being able to perform due to lack of self discipline. is it really? i don't know.
i don;'t know whrer i'm heading. i have absolutely no idea. xun left the course and told me, he couldn't picture me working in a lab.. frankly i can't picture myself either.i'm already 18. man that adds up to my troubles.....
i'm confused.. i need a direction, a driving force. i need time off.

.:pseudonym:. burned at 2:36 AM