texed on friday 28th may 2004
its my birthday tmr... its different this year. the feeling is different. i didn't get the glooms.. yet.. everything feels different. the feeling is neutral. just another day. i don't let the age thing bug me anymore. i guess? in fact i have already planned how to spend my day. simple planning. no hassles. i don't really like to invite a bunch of pple whom i don't even know their full names just to turn up at the party and have pple having a good time, and about 2 hrs into the party when everyone gets almost high on what not, they will forget that they are even here for your birthday. its just so weird. and you most probably end up doing everything. like perhaps getting the reserved chicken wings from the refridgerator if you are having a bbq and also having a headache thinking if everyone will have a good time at your party, cos most of them are from different social groups. it'd be even more weird if you have little cliques hanging around at different corners of the lawn.actually i have never held a birthday party. most of my birthdays, i'd just like to stick around either at home or with a bunch of friends. or, when the gloom gets to me,i just cry myself to sleep and will feel much better the day after, though the age thing will proobably still bug me for another week.

the only party i have ever had was when serene held one for me. i know, its kinda pathetic. that was.... when i was 13 if i remmebr correctly.. forgive my memory.. (maybe there were other parties. i can't remember.) that's the kind of party you would want to have. like they do all the planning and organising and sending out all the invites. heh. i'm a lazy person who doesn't like to get involved, into unecessary worry or mindless matters, all chucked into one category. i consider planning a birthday party for your self as one of those categories. its different when you help plan, i think its more fun. ha. more fun than planning my own anyway.

last year my entire family forgot my birthday. i even got scolded for a $90 cellphone bill. it couldn't have been more apt. i stepped in and my dad tore open the bill envelope. i never knoew your family could ever forget your birthday. surely someone will remind the other? but it did happen and i couldn't have been more shocked myself. disappointed no, shocked, very. i'm from a caring family. my dad works for the family and mom cooks when we're home.. not the kind of me isolating the world,. you know. we're normal. so it was kinda weird that they forgot. but htey never felt more guilty after that. ha. i guess you could actually feel disappointed huh..

i look back on my past one year and though i have yet grown older by another year, i have not accomplished much. i have no direction. no motivation. i feel like i'm an actress that have been picked up from a jungle-war-scene into a classic ballroom. totally lost and confused. like HUH?. yea like that. like huh.. i live by the second. i take it as it comes. i'm studying biotechnology and though the course is pretty much interesting, i don't see myself heading in the direction of the labs. its too boring. i simply cannot take it. i wish i wasn't as brilliant as i am today. not that i am all that brilliant. but it would be better if i wasn't expected to get a degree at hte end of the day. not that i have parents who force me to study against my will, its more of a social requirement. like a conservative chinese kid. respect you parents, be filial, achieve that by studying hard to bring pride to the family. its not a written rule but i guess my parents would have been disappointed if i have said that i had wanted to drop out of high school just because i didn't feel like studying anymore. its morally unacceptable. plus because we are living in singapore that is why we cannot do that. you will eat the dirt everyday if you did. unless you are a patient and optimistic person. sad to say, i'm neither.

so, really, i don't know where i'm heading. no focus, no direction. no desire. that's the worst. no desire. oh wdv. i leave it as it is. my faith in divine intervention.

it gets to me sometimes. oh baH, happy birthday to me. :)

.:pseudonym:. burned at 6:33 PM