Uncertainty
sometimes i think: i think too much.
but then again, it is essential for me right at this point of time to think of my future, since i am placed in this fucking situation.

all the wrong things always happen at hte wrong time for me. and like big things. like big drastic decisions. what hte fuck. i'm only 19. surely i shoujld have my fair shair of peace and tranquillity. i'm too young for such decisions. then again. i do know of 19 year olds who have already made life choices. for one, i hate making choices. and two, these kinda choices are like d r a s t i c. to my life. my entire life. my future. my living. my SOL. my world.

so yea, i was offered a job, which i long ago stated and long ago assured mywself that yes, i was taking it up since i'm young and that i have all the youth i can ask for. but then now. circumstances. i may not be able to start work till july next year. and am being encouraged not to take up the job. by my boss himself. by the man who wants me to work for him. by the man who repects my worth in the company who admires my responsibility. but yet as a friend, mentor, senior, he discouraged me greatly from taking it. i'm torn. i'm lost. really speechless.
he said i should go ahead and further. but. i'm. sick. of. it.

and my dad also asked me like a couple of days ago if i wanted to pursue my life long dream. my childhood ambition. and no it was not to be a teacher.

and its gonna cost me six years of my life. i'm not complaining of the six years of life. its the six years of mugging and struggling. the six years of persperation and toil. the dogged reports and assignments. i have already proven my 3 years worth in a tertiary institution and certainly its not marvellous. i have already lead myself to believe that i'm not cut out for studying. that i'm not that academically inclined and really i don;'t care what you have to say about htat. cos i seriously think so. i mean. 3 years of disappointment surely is enough to prove me right. to sustain my view on my acad worth. NOW. think that. and now think 3 years X 2. i may just die. i don't know. uncertainty. what a fucking irritating word.

and all this had to happen this week. fuck. jsut when i thought my life was all planned out. well at least for hte next five years, i believed.

in the very first place. when i believed in taking up the job, i did it because of my passion. but it was strongly objected. from my parents. my mom esp. friends, cousins. except one i dare say supported me whole heartedly. without hesitation told me i shouldn't let the opportunity slip by.
seriously? only ONE.

.:pseudonym:. burned at 10:06 PM