i'm a bloody slowMO!
i haven't actuall realized how damn bloody slow and retarded i have acutally become since i stopped at 15. its been a long time since i swam this competitively. OMFG i'm a slow ass and have just come to terms that i am OLD.
i went for the life-saver course that started today. they were all like 15, 16. i was like the oldest. crap. they swim competitively. i swim for leisure. but of course i had an edge when it came to stroking and all. but only that tiny little edge. other than that, the whole session made me feel old and lousy. and slow. bAH. feel like dropping it.
took the train back and was complaining to dad when i was driving home from the train station.
he had this to say,"it was you who wanted to do this course and now it is you who want to stop after one lesson. its a course. you will improve. you're just not conditioned for it. you know what you must do to condition yourself? go swim."
i didn't know how to react. cos he was right. it was a statement that was so blatant. blatant in the sense that the solution was so obvious. so palpable. yet i didn't see it and chose to quit. quit at such a minute barrier in front of me. i don't know when this happened to me. to quit and give up so easily. i feel ashamed.
i've been reading If i get to five by Dr. Fred Epstein. i bought it when my colleague recommended it to me. he writes about the "terminally-ill" children that he works with. and how we can learn from them. i quote,"We tend to think of children as fragile, little people, to me, they're giants." and i realize even after reading this book, i have not learnt the most valuable lesson from it. i shouldn't just give up like that. if these children are able to, not give up even when they're up against all odds, how can i, when we're just talking about my fitness level here?
i feel guilty and mortified.
i'm not quitting.

.:pseudonym:. burned at 11:25 PM